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From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. THE ANSWER IS: Beef, Iron and Wine The question is "What do housewives do at home all day?" Two contestants on a TV game show were in the final round. Mr. Cohn was way ahead of Mr. Schine, but just as the buzzer was rung, Schine slipped ahead, and won! When asked what prize he wanted, he stated that he wanted a horse. The game show host asked why, and was told : I want a horse so I can name it 'Harvest Moon.' Then I can have a portrait painted, and call it "Schine on Harvest Moon." If Fairbanks Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs, what would it be called? Dogless Fairbanks! Overheard in court one day: Judge - What's your name? Prisoner - Sparks Judge - What's the charge? Prisoner - Assault and battery Judge - Well, lock him in a dry cell! I went fishing one day just for the halibut, but all I caught was a haddock, so I went home and took a bunch of aspirins, and then my herring got impaired. We were all in a car and it wouldn't start, so I told everyone to be quiet, and then it started right up! Why?? Cause it goes without saying... Sheep get their haircut at the baa baa shop! Don't press your luck! Avoid ironing your four-leaf clovers! What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman! All the best chess players were at a big tournament. They hung out for the first hour in the hallway, bragging to each other about all their recent victories. Suddenly, the hotel manager threw them all out of the hallway. When asked why, he replied: "I hate chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!" I once knew a medical man who loved frozen daiquiris. He was at a bar one night drinking one when a piece of hickory-wood form the ceiling fell into the glass. So I said that it was a hickory daiquiri, doc! A dentist was obsessed by dental floss! His obsession was so great that he bought a roan horse to help him gather floss for his growing collection. Another dentist became even more compulsive and stole the horse!!, But the horse refused to help the second dentist! Moral??? A stolen roan gathers no floss! Be proud of me, and someday I may deserve it. Q: What do you get when you mix vodka and Milk of Magnesia? A: A Phillips Screwdriver! For protection, my father bought me a German Shepherd dog. When he found out I was Jewish, he bit me! He was a wonderful watchdog. One evening while I was being held up, he watched. Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I wanted to be different, so I called my dog "Sex." I found out that "Sex" is a very embarrassing name. One day I took Sex out for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for the dog. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday. One day I went to City Hall to get a dog license and I told the clerk - "I would like to have a license for Sex." He said, "I would like to have one, too." Then I said, "but this is a dog," and he said that he didn't care how she looked. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was two years old." He said, "you must have been a very strong baby." I told him that when my wife and I seperated I went into court to fight for custody of the dog and I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married," and the Judge said, "Me, too." Then I told him that after I was married Sex left me and he said, "Me, too." When I told him that I once had Sex on TV he said, "Showoff." I told him that it was a contest and he told me that I should have sold tickets. I also told the Judge about the time when the wife and I were on our honeymoon and we took the dog along. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the motel was for sex. Then I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night," and the clerk said, "Me, too." Entropy requires no maintenance! Do you smoke after sex? -- I don't know... I never looked! That isn't original and Clay didn't even get it right! Jack and Jill went up the hill They each had a quarter Jill came down with fifty cents Jack came down a little shorter Haven't you ever seen Rembrandt's famous painting: Mel and Cholic Baby. Lucy! I theen you got some splainin to do. Child: Aw Mom. Whenever we visit Uncle Al he always wants to go bowling. He never wants to go with me to the court and play a few sets. I think he hates it. Mother: Nonsense. Many's the time I've heard Alfred laud tennis, son. "Home, home and deranged...." Jealous wife on the phone: You tell my cheating husband to get his ass across the street right now. Neighbour: He just did! Jack and Jill went up the hill To do some Hanky Panky. Jack went 'Uh!' and Jill went 'Ah!' And out came baby Frankie! She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still! "You will pay for eating that apple", God said adamantly! "I'm glad you got your headlight fixed", she beamed!! "I've dropped my toothpaste", he said crestfallen. Knock knock Who's there? Don Juan Don Juan who? I Don Juan to set the world on fire! Acoustic: Instrument used in billiards! Bacteria: The rear portion of the cafeteria! Coincide: What you do when it starts to rain! Denial: A river in Egypt! Buccaneer: The price of corn. Valorus: Large animal vit tusks; lives in vater! What's black and white and red all over? Santa Claus coming down the chimney. "Who was that lady I seen you with last night?" "You mean 'I saw.'" "Ok, who was that eyesore I seen you with last night?" "What do you get when you cross poison ivy with 4 leaf clovers?" "A rash of good luck!" Knock knock Who's there? Little old lady Little old lady who? Gee, I didn't know you knew how to yodel. I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious. Two of New England's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and his brother Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships. Most agree that although Dick is a fine shipbuilder, he's not the rigger Mort is. Why did the theatre critic always praise the first show of the season? He didn't want to stone the first cast. If Carmen Miranda married Yves Montand... ...when she combed her hair, would she be Carmen Miranda Montand when she combs? What type of birth control would a Roman Catholic lumberjack who's wed to a mathematican use??? The log-a-rhythm-method. Why did King Author wear his Cloak to the Great Ball, rather than his Mantle? Cause kings go better with cloak! Why didn't the Maharishi want novocaine when he had a tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication. Three guys were having an argument about who was more generously endowed. Finally, to settle the matter once and for all, they went up to the top of the Empire State Building and proceeded to unzip their flies. "Pretty good, huh?" said Mort, whose organ was hanging all the way down to the fifty-seventh floor. "I got you beat cold," said Bill, whose member was dangling just below a window on the forty-ninth. They looked over at the third guy, who was dancing a curious sort of jig, jumping from one foot to the other and peering anxiously over the edge of the observation deck. "What the hell are you doing, Harry?" they asked. "Dodging traffic!" he replied. Unicorns aren't mythical -- virgins are! Q: What time of day was Adam born? A: A little before Eve. Q: When was radio first mentioned in the Bible? A: When God took a rib from Adam and made a loudpeaker. What a good thing Adam had...when he said something, he knew nobody had said it before. Eve: "Adam, do you love me?" Adam: "Who else?" The first Adam-splitting gave us Eve - a force which ingeneous men of all ages have never gotten under control. Adam was created first - to give him a chance to say something. Power corrupts, but we need the electricity What's blue and squirms in the corner? -A baby with a plastic bag. Why is sex spelled S-E-X? -It's too hard to spell Uhhhh, Ahhhhhh, and Aieee!!! I say to the doctor, "It seems as I get older, my ears get bigger!". The doctor, he say to me, "This is not unusual. All extremities tend to get larger as we get older.". I tell the doctor "Well, maybe this is good thing, this might do something for my weenie!". The doctor says "You know, the problem with them ears, is when they get big they get floppy.". Do you know what a Polish 7 course meal is? A six-pack and a kielbasa! There was a newly married couple and the wife was just a bit unsure of herself around the house. One day a floorboard on the back porch broke and when her hubbie came home she asked if he could fix it. "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE A CARPENTER", he bellowed, "call a carpenter to fix it." A few days later she had an electrical problem and again waited for her husband to come home and again got this response, "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE,AN ELECTRICIAN? call an electrician to fix it." Well a couple of weeks past and when the husband came home from work his wife told him that there had been a problem with the plumbing, but, she had called the plumber and everything had been taken care of. "Great!" he said, "that's the way to do things, how much did he charge?" "Well", she told him, "he wanted either 10 pies, or sex." "I hope you gave him the pies" he said. "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE BETTY CROCKER" How do you unload a truck full of babies? With a pitchfolk. The doctor told Henry that he had cancer and could expect to live only another 4 to 5 weeks. Henry told his buddies he was dying of AIDS. Doc called Henry in to ask him why he was saying it was AIDS instead of cancer. Henry replied, "I don't want anybody messing with my wife after I'm gone." Do you know why Scotsman wear kilts?? Sheep can hear a Zipper a mile away. I used to live in Wyoming, in a small town called Frontier (well, actually a suburb of Frontier called Kemmerer. That is pronounced Kemer. No, ya gotta say it FASTER). Needless to say, there wasn't much to do besides drink in a local bar called the Frontier Bar (Or was it Lester's Liquor Locker?). One day, me and my mining buddies were tossing down a few cool ones, and a dog walks in, walks up to the bar and says, "Gimme a beer". Evidently this type of thing isn't too rare in Wyoming, because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here." The dog then took out a dollar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer." This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartender said one more time, "We do not serve dogs here. Please leave." The dog growled, and then the bartender pulled out a gun and shot the dog in the foot. The dog yelped, and ran out the door. The next day, I happened to be in the same establishment, and we were again drinking a few beers. Then, the swinging bar doors were tossed open, and in walks the dog we saw the day before. He was dressed all in black. A black cowboy hat, a black vest, three black cowboy boots and one black bandage. The dog looks around, waits for the talking to quiet down, and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw." Guy looking for his friend pops in a barber shop and asks: Hey! Bob Peters here? Barber replies: No. Just heads. The Answer is: "Marcus Welby ... Pickled Herring... and Doris Day." And the Question -- "Name a surgeon, a sturgeon, and a virgin!" A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him into Texas for the first time. After reaching his first stop in Texas, it was late so he checked into a motel. And went to it's restaurant for diner. He ordered a small beer. The waitress brought him a huge mug. "Waitress" he said," I ordered a small beer." She said," this is Texas, in Texas this is a small beer." Then he ordered a petite steak and the waitress brought him a two inch thick stake so big the sides of it were hanging off the edge of the pater. "Waitress, I ordered a petite stake" She told him that in Texas that was a petite stake. After a while all that beer was getting to him, so he ask the waitress where the rest room was. She told him to go down the hall two doors and turn to the *RIGHT*. He staggered down the hall two doors, turned *LEFT*,and walked into the hotel swimming pool. As he bobbed to the surface, he screamed, "DON'T FLUSH IT!" Happiness is a warm modem One day a proud father brought his 21 year old son into a neighborhood bar for a birthday drink. This is not unusual except that this proud fathers son had no body, he was just a head. The father ordered to crown royals over and gave his son a sip. POP the son suddenly had a body! Amazed the father gave him another sip and POP he sprouted legs! The father overcome with joy gave him another sip and POP he sprouted arms! Complete and Amazed the son raised his glass and took the final sip in his glass and KABOOM he exploded all over the bar! The Point to All This long Winded Shit: Always Know and Quit When Your A-Head! Pollock goes into store and ask clerk for a link of Polish Sausage. The clerk ask him if he is polish and this makes him angry as hell so he ask the clerk if he would have asked him if he were Italian if he had ordered Italian sausage. The clerk simply replied that he would not have asked. The pollock then wanted to know why then did he ask if he were Polish. The clerk replied "Because this is a hardware store" "It's time someone put his foot down around here. And that foot...is me." THE ANSWER IS: Ciss Boom Baaaaaaa The question is "what sound does an exploding sheep make?" She was married to a Jew but split up because she never knew if she was Carmen or Cohen. A couple were relaxing on their front lawn one day when a couple of sailors walked by. One sailor complimented them on their lovely peach tree. The husband replied, "thanks, but it's a plum tree, actually." The sailor said, "Sorry, but you're mistaken, it is a peach tree." The wife spoke up, "Look, he knows fruit, salts." A draftee went for his physical wearing a truss and with papers that were stamped "M.E." for "Medically Exempt". Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical. At the end of the examination the doctor stamped "M.E" on his papers. "Does this mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked the doctor. "No," replied the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can ride a camel." The story is told of a young Czechoslovakian, a Russian officer, a little old lady, and an attractive young woman riding on a train. Shortly after the train entered a dark tunnel, the passengers heard a kiss, then a loud slap. The girl thought,"Isn't it odd the Russian tried to kiss the old lady and not me?" The old lady thought,"That is a good girl with fine morals." The Russian officer thought,"That Czech officer is a smart fellow; he steals the kiss and I get slapped." The Czech thought,"Perfect. I kiss the back of my hand, slap a Russian officer, and get away with it!" Said the FBI agent to the bank teller after the bank was robbed for the third time by the same bandit, "Did you notice anything special about the man?" "Yes, he seemed better dressed each time." An Army base staff was planning war games did not want to use live ammunition. Instead they informed the men, "In place of a rifle, you go `Bang bang'. Inplace of a knife, you go `Stab stab'. In place of a hand grenade, you go `Lob lob'. The game progressed until one of the soldiers saw one of the enemy. He went "Bang, bang," but nothing happened. He ran forward and went, "Stab, stab," but nothing happened. He ran back and went, "Lob, lob," but nothing happened. Finally he walked up to the enemy and siad, "You're not playing fair. I went `Bang, bang' and `Stab, stab' and `Lob, lob' and you haven't fallen dead! The enemy responded, "Rumble, rumble, I'm a tank!" This is the Fertilizer Club. It will not cost you a cent to join. Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of this list and shit in their garden. You will not be the only one there, so don't be embarrassed. Then, make five copies of this letter and send or give them to your friends who appreciate Organic Gardening. You will not receive any money or checks, but within one week, if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,916 people shitting in your garden. Your reward will come next summer when you have the most productive garden in your neighborhood. 1. Mr. Will E. Krapp 5. Mr. Smelly B. Hind 1422 Enema Way 4766 Die Rea Way Stewsburg, Mass. Loosely, Va. 2. Mrs. Luce Bowls 6. Mrs. C. Howie Phartz 30 Bedpan Ave. 875 Rectum Road Poopie, Ill. Gas Pain, Col. 3. Mr. Hem E. Roids 7. Mr. Bigger Movements 12 Piles Drive 2745 Fertilizer Way Fartford, Wis. Pooptown, Ind. 4. Mr. A. S. Hole Dark Hollow Drive Colon, Wash. Guy says to his friend, "My wife says your head feels just like her ass." Friend reaches up, feels his head and says, "You know, she's right!" Old lady says to her husband, "For heavens sake, zip up your fly, it's open." Husband replies, "No problem, dead birds don't fall out of their nests." Did you hear about the polish helicopter pilot? He was cold so he shut the fan off. What goes VROOOM-SCREECH, VROOOM-SCREECH, VROOOM-SCREECH? A pollack trying to go through a blinking red light. How do you get 100 babies in a telephone booth? Blender. Does a bird's circumcision yield WING TIPS? Not tonight, Chekov, I have an earache. Rebel Without A Clue... There were these three unemployed guys, Leroy (a black), Chico (a Mexican), and Stosh (a Pole). They lived together on their welfare checks in a tiny apartment. One day, a letter came for them from the Welfare people telling them to report to the state employment office or they would lose their welfare payments. To make a long story short, Stosh was offered a job loading frozen shrimp at the docks. it was a good job, too. Being unionized, it paid $22/hour. When he got home, Stosh told Chico: "Wake me at 5:30 because I have to be at work at 6:30 and the foreman that hired me told me I must not be late!" That night, after Stosh fell asleep, Chico and Leroy were complaining about the obvious discrimination. "They only hired him because he's white" said Leroy. Then they hatched a clever plan to prove that Stosh was hired because of his race. They got black shoe polish and covered Stosh's face to make him appear black. The next morning, Chico woke Stosh at 6:00 and told him to rush because it was a 1/2 hour late. When Stosh got to the docks, the foreman asked him who he was. Stosh told him he was the new employee. "You can't be" said the foreman. "You're black and the man I hired was white." "But I'm white" protested Stosh. The foreman said "If you don't believe me, go into the men's room and look in the mirror". Stosh did that and when he saw his face he exclaimed: "Goddamn Mexican woke up the wrong guy!" A manufacturer of electric light bulbs was talking to the owner of a theater. "I'd like to supply you with bulbs for your marquee," the manufacturer said, "and it wont cost you a cent. It will enable me to realize a lifelong ambition." "If I accept the free bulb," the curious theater man asked, "will you tell me about this ambition of yours?" "Sure," the man said. "It's just that I've always dreamed of seeing my lights up in names." »1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? Of course they do, Uncle Sam. »2. How many birthdays does the average man have? Only one. When he was born. »3. Some months have 31 days, how many have 28? All the months (kid joke). »4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come? Because the beggar is a woman. »5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada? Because he is still alive. But this is only a technicality. We Canadians would love to bury a Yankee dead or alive. »6. How many outs are there in an inning? 6 »7. Is it illegal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why? Heck almost anything is possible in California. »8. Two men play 5 games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this. They did not play with each other. »9. Divide 30 by half and add 10. What is the answer? 70 »13. If you have one match and you walk into a room where there is an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first? The Match! »14. How far can a dog run into the woods? Halfway. »15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last? 90 minutes »16. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 die. How many does he have left? 9 »17. How many animals of both sexes did Moses take into the Ark? As many as would fit. »18. A clerk in a butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh? Meat. »19. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? 12 »20. What was the president's name in 1950? The same as is now, George Bush. Under the old apple tree.... is where she first showed it to me... She showed me her spot and she called it a twat.. But it looked like an asshole to me.... Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best: The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength---none in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker! There were these two strings walking down the road when they came to a bar. They decided to stop in and have a few drinks. So they sat down at a table and noticed that they were not going to be served. So the first string said that he would go up to the bar and get a couple of beers. First string: Hey bartender, how about a couple of beers. Bar tender: Sorry, but we don't serve strings here. So the first string returned to the table and informed the second string of the problem. The second string said "no problem, I'll take care of this." So the second string stood up, Frazzeled his ends a bit and tied himself into a knot. He then walked up to the bar.. Second string: Hey bartender, how about a couple of beers. Bar tender: Hey, aren't you a string? Second string: I'm a frayed knot... they got the beers... A butcher got along great with everyone in the neighborhood except a mysterious swami. They hated each other! One evening, the swami's pregnant wife had intense cravings for liver, however, and the swami had to go into his enemy's shop. "Give me a pound of liver," he said to the butcher's clerk. The butcher whispered to the clerk from the back of the shop, "Here's our chance to screw that no-good bum." Pointing to the clerk's thumb, he said, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!" This guy Fred is really in love with his girl friend Wendy, and decides to do something special for her. He has her name tatooed on his weiner. Fred and Wendy decide to take a trip to Jamaica in the Carribean. When they arrive after their flight Fred has to go to the bathroom. He goes up to one of the stalls and as he is going, this big black guy walks up to the next stall and starts to pee too. Wouldn't you know this black guy has WENDY tatooed on his weiner too. Fred asks the guy if his girlfriends' name is Wendy because of his tatoo. The black guy says NO. When I'm excited it spells out Welcome To Jamaica Man - Have a Nice Day. Momma mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat pounced in. Snatching up the kid Momma ran for the mousehole but it was obvious she wasn't going to make it. Finally in desperation she whipped around and shouted "Bark, Bark" at the cat. The cat skidded to a halt and ran away. Momma mouse turned to her baby and said, "You see how important it is to learn a foreign language!" Laurel and Loren were this newlywed white couple that wanted to raise black children, and set out to work. Nine moths later, the fruits of there labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, Loren decided to ask a black friend of his why the couldn't have black children. The fellow took him aside and asked "Is your penis at least 1 foot long?" Loren said no. "Is it at least 3 inches thick?" Again Loren answered in the negative. "Well there's your problem man! You let in too much light!" -- Womens Libber Joke! -- There were three men, a smart man, a dum man, and Santa Clause walking down the street. They saw a fifty dollar bill on the road. Who picked it up? The dum man--we know there is no Santa Clause and there is no certainly no smart men. I never met a man Will Rogers didn't like. For New Year's, I gave up sex and lying. She said, "I'll give you just one hour and forty-five minutes to stop that!" Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "Sorry. We don't serve bears here" said the bartender. "I want a beer" says the bear. "I can't serve you. It's not our policy" notes the bartender. Getting angrier, the bear growls and smashes his paw on the bar "I WANT A BEER!!!!!" "NO" shouts the bartender. In frustration, the bear walks over to a lady sitting in a corner table. He eats her whole (bones and everything). The bear walks back to the bar and grabs the bartender). "I WANT A BEER" growls the bear. "We don't serve bears on drugs" states the bartender. "I'm not on drugs" replies the bear. "Yes you are" states the bartender "That was a bar-bitch-you-ate!! A foreigner came to the USA to get a job, he couldn't speak a word of English. The employment counselor told him there were no job openings for people who could speak no English, but if the man would learn at least a couple of words, she would see what she could find for him. So the man went out to learn a couple of words of English, the first place he went was a rocket launch-pad. When the rocket went up, he got so excited, and was shouting and pointing, the other spectators told him that was the take-off. All he could remember was the word 'take-off' but he figured that was good for one. The next place he went was a zoo. He saw all the animal exibits, but he went back again and again to one certain cage. Eventually he heard someone call the animal a zebra. He figured zebra was good for the second word. When he went back to the employment office, the counselor asked him what he had learned. He answered "Take-off zebra." Why do ballerinas wear tight outfits? -So they don't stick to the floor when they do the splitz. It seems that there was a couple who were going at it 69 style and suddenly the wife let out a fart. The husband who isn't into it to begin with looks up and says..."Thank God! A breath of fresh air!" There were two brothers by the name of Jones, one was married and the other one was single. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said " Oh, Mr. Jones, I was so sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible. John replied, "Well I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start to the finish. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish and from the time that I got her. She made water faster than anything. She had a bad crack and a hole in the front--the hole got larger every time I used her and she leaked like everything; but here is what happened." Four guys asked if they could rent her for the night. I warned them that she wasn't so hot but they said they would have a go at her anyhow. The result was that the fools tried to get into her all at once and it was too much for her and she split right up the middle. Before Joe could say another word about his boat, the old lady fainted on the spot. STOMP OUT AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR! Three men were in a balloon. They got caught in a storm and after being tossed about, they got lost. When the storm calmed down, they eventually floated passed a man on the ground. They yelled "Where are we?" The man replied "You are in a balloon". One of the men in the balloon turned to the others and said "that man is obviously a lawyer". How can you tell?, the two asked. "It's easy, the information he gave is totally accurate, and completely useless". A new bride, being very pure and innocent was quite nervous about her honeymoon night. That evening they were staying upstairs from her mother and wwhen bed time came and her husband took off his shirt the nervous newlywedd ran down to her mother screaming, "Mother, Mother his chest is all hairy". Mother calmley replied, "Just go back upstairs relax and do what he says." She returned upstairs and her husband removed his pants. She saw his hairy muscular legs, again she darted downstairs yelling, "mother Mother, his legs are all bumpy and hairy." "relax", advised her mother, "just go back upstairs and do what he tells you." Well once again she returned upstairs only to notice this time that her husband had lost 1/2 of his left foot in an accident. Down the stairs she ran screaming "Mother, Mother, he only has a foot and a half." "wait here, I'll be back in awhile." her mother said. How do they take a census in poland? Flood the cellars! Howcan you tell the bride and groom at a Polish wedding? He's the one with the clean bowling shirt - she's the one with the hair under her arms braided! 1) There once was a man with blonde hair who was fucking a girl on the stairs the banister broke but he doubled his stroke and finished her off in mid-air 2) There once was a man from Alberdeen who invented a jerking machine on the twenty-fith stroke the damn thing broke and beat his balls to a cream 3) There once was a man from New York who's tool was as dry as a cork when he attempted to screw his tool broke in two and now his tool is a fork 4) the cabin boy, the captian's joy a cunning little nipper they stuffed his ass with broken glass and circumsized the skipper So this Oriental guy goes to the eye-doctor for an examination. The doctor takes a look and says "You have cataracts, don't you?" The guy replies, "No, a Rinken Continental!" A preacher walking down the sidewalk sees a little boy playing with a a little bottle of turpintine. The preacher says "Well, hello there son, what have you got there?". The little boy says "This here sir, is the most powerful liquid in the world.". The preacher looks at the bottle and says "Oh no son, that cannot be the most powerful liquid in the world. The most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. If you take a couple of drops of holy water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a baby girl.". The little boy thinks about this for a minute, perks up and says "Well ah heck, that ain't nothin. You take a couple of drops of this and rub it it on a cat's ass and it'll pass a motercycle!". Q: What's the definition of an Italian virgin? A: A twelve year old that can run faster than all her brothers. They have all sorts of new services these days. Now they have a dial a prayer for Athiests! You call a number - and nobody answers. Three Athiests were trying to bother a young Baptist minister. "I think I will move to Nevada," said the first athiest, "only twenty-five percent of the people there are Baptists." "No, I think I'd rather live in Colorado," said the second man, "only ten percent of the people are Baptists." "Better yet," said the third athiest,"is New Mexico...only five percent there are Baptists." "I think the best place for you all is Hades," said the minister. "There are no Baptists there!" Overheard: "I'm an athiest, thank God!" Athiests are really on the spot; they have to sing "Hmmmmmm bless America!" As I heard it ( to the tune of the song ) By the shade of the old apple tree, That's where she first showed it to me. It was hairy and black, And she called it her crack, But it looked like a manhole to me....... There was a big party going on in the local mental hospital. It was a big event, and one of the local doctors had been invited to tour the grounds during the festival. When the doctor arrived, things seemed to be going nicely, and the doctor decided to take a personal "unauthorized" tour of the grounds. As the doctor began to explore within the hospitals grounds, he began to notice that the patients were all getting this celebration with everyone else. The doctor first discovers a man, who is buck naked, and painted red from head to toe. The doctor asks the man "why are you red?" The man replies "I am angry! I am angry that people can do things and I'm stuck in here. I am angry that Bush is president, and that Quayle is in office! I am angry at everything!!!!!" The doctor not wanting to draw attention to himself immediately began to walk away from this ranting angry man. Then he approached a man painted green. This guy was a bit more composed, even though he was buck naken like the mad man. The guy immediately looked at the doctor and said "I'm green with envy! I am envious of you and your freedoms, the fact that you have a life and I do not, the fact that I don't have a car, and that my wife and kids left me! I am envious of everyone because they own what I can never have...sob...sob..." The doctor immediately began a retreat from this sorry excuse for a patient and promptly walked into tall black man, who was buck naked and happened to have a pear hanging off the end of his penis. The doctor immediately responded with "Oh, excuse me, my gosh, what's your problem?" The man responded in a quiet, distant voice- "I'm fucking dis' pear." A newfie gets married one day. He goes home to his mother the next day and declares that he's getting a divorce. His mother asks him why and he says "she is a virgin" His mother replies "well I don't blame you son, if she's not good enough for anybody else she's certainly not good enough for you. Did you hear about the newly wed newfies who didn't know the difference between putty and vasaline?---Their windows fell out! So this Gorilla walks up to a dairy bar and says, "I'd like a vanilla milk shake, please." The man at the counter makes one and gives it to him, the gorilla puts a ten dollar bill on the counter. The man thinking to himself, "What can a gorilla know about money?", returns 50¢ to the gorilla. "You know, we don't get many gorillas here." "No wonder - at $9.50 a shake!" Get 'em by the balls,the heart and mind follow. Cthulhu saves - in case he's hungry later. Why did God create women ? Because sheep can't type. Like for example, do you know how to spot a newfie Word Processor? It's the one with whiteout on the screen. Did you know that on the bottom of newfie coke bottles it says "Open other end"! When Canada came out with the $1 looney coin, they had to recall them from NewFoundland because they kept trying to break the coins open to get the chocolate out. There was a man renowned for orgasming television sets. When he died, he put into a museum of oddities. One day, a visitor inquired of her tour guide 'Does he COME cable ready?' Profanity? I don't #$%$#^#^# use it! Coming home early from work yesterday, I saw a neighbor jogging, nude, down the street. I said -- "How long have been doing this nude jogging" He said -- "Since you came home from work early." An Englishman, Spaniard, Frenchman, and German were having a drink in a garden. A butterfly swooped down and sat on the edge of the table. "Ah, a butterfly", said the Englishman, "What a lovely name for such a delicate, beautiful creature". "In my country, it's papillon", said the Frenchman, "the word just rolls off the tongue -- papillon". "Well, we call the lovely creature a mariposa", said the Spaniard, "mariposa". The German replied: "Und vat ist wrong mit Schmetterling!". Friend of mine walking was supposed to meet a friend in a seedy joint. Went in, and there were a bunch of guys (including my friend's friend) shooting up and passing around the needle. My friend said "Jeez, guys, don't you know that you can get AIDS from sharing needles?" One of the guys looks up and says "It's OK - we're all wearing condoms". Jewish Doggie style sex: he sits up and begs for it, she rolls over and plays dead. Little Mike came in from school one day, and asked "Mom, if big people can have little people, and big cats can have little cats, why can't big trains have little train"? His mom replies "I don't know son, why don't you ask you're dad when he gets home". His dad comes home and Mike asks "dad, if big people can have little people, and big cats can have little cats, why can't big trains have little train"? His dad replies, " I don't know son, but I will try to find out for you". The following Saturday Mike and his dad are driving to the store, and they pull into a train station, Mikes dad says " son, do you remember the question that you asked me the other day"? "Yes " says Mike. Well why don't you go over and ask the train engineer. So, Mike goes over and asks the train engineer,"Mr. train engineer, if big people can have little people, and big cats can have little cats, why can't big trains have little train"? The train engineer thinks for a minute and then replies " well son, I guess it is because big trains always pull out on time. While fishing at Toho I was baiting my hook when two six foot tall mosquitos alighted in front of me. I was so horrified, I was unable to move. One of them said, "should we eat him here or take him back home with us?" The other one said, "let's eat him here. If we take him back, the big mosquitoes will take him away from us." I saw this on a tee shirt yesterday. Blown by Hugo...but still erect. How do you get 29 newfies into a small car? Throw in a can of beans. No Beelzebub, I don't talk to demons. Why did God create women ? To give the sheep a rest. What's white and red and sits in the corner? A baby chewing on razor blades. Why do they boil water when a baby is being born? In case it dies, they can make soup. What is 96? 69, the cost of eating out went up! America, where you park on the driveway! A Rabbi who lived in Peru, Was vainly attempting to screw. His wife said,"Oye Vey! If you keep on this way, The Messiah will come before you." Whats the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair! I don't have no grammar difficulties. What happens when a Keebler Elf throws up? He tosses his cookies! Since a lot of people have been passing out questionares, I thought I'd it one of my own. 1) Are you a liar? A) Yes B) No C) None of the above 2) Do you fill out questionnares correctly? A) Yes B) No C) None of the above D) I refuse to answer. 3) Have you ever committed adultery? A) Yes B) No C) None of the above D) I refuse to answer. If the answer is A or D, answer number 4. 4) Who did you commit adultery with? Please give her name and number. 5) In your opinion, are these questionnares a waste of time? 6) Are you: A) Sexually Active B) A Married Person C) A Nun D) Sterile 7) Seriously: Which came first: the TV or TV stations? 8) Rhetorical: Is that understood young man? 9) Are you a drug dealer? Please list your sales for the last 3 months. 10) Are you a pimp? Catch a breath of morning exhaust fumes. Japanese visitor goes to a bank in Britain just as it opens and asks to change Yen into Pounds. "I'm sorry, Sir, but you'll have to come back after 12noon, as our computers are down and we don't have the exchange rate yet," said the teller. "But want to change Yen to Pounds", replied the visitor. "I'm sorry, but you'll have to return after noon," said the teller. "Need to change Yen to Pounds", insisted the visitor. "You don't understand ... we don't have the exchange rate yet, so I can't change your money. Currency fluctuations, you see" replied the teller. "Currency Whaaaaaaaaaaa?" inquired the visitor. "Fluctuations - Fluctuations" said the exasperated teller. "Ah, fluc you British, too then" yelled the visitor as he stormed out of the bank. Through the center of Czechoslovakia there a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off. The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!" The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier, he'd rather kiss that old hag than me." The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steal the kiss and I get slapped." And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier." Sex is a real problem in 1986... If you sleep with a Woman you get Herpes. If you sleep with a Man you get AIDS. If you sleep alone you get R.S.I. Sleep well tonight! One day there was a bear and a rabbit (Peter??) having a shit in the forest. The bear turned to the rabbit and said "Excuse me, do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" To which the rabbit replied "No". So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped himself with the it ............ There were these 2 guys lost in the Himalayas one day. Both were starving and near death when they came across a dead animal. One of them started to eat and told the other guy he'd better do the same! He refused because he was sure he'd get something better, as the carcas was rotten. So, off they went in search of civilization, when a while late twit who ate the meat began to vomit, to which the other guy said, "See, I knew I'd get a hot meal sooner or later!" The Seven (7) Dwarfs were in the bath feeling Happy, so he got out... One day Mayor Koch of New York was walking through the streets of Manhattan when he was stopped by a man carrying a huge cardboard box. "Hey Mayor," said the man, "you wanna buy a green rat?" The Mayor was skeptical but interested. "But there's no such thing as a green rat," he said, "and besides, what good would it do for New York?" "Just watch," said the man, putting down the box and opening it. Immediately a huge green rat bounced out, circled around the two men and disappeared into a sewer. When it emerged a few minutes later, it was being chased by more than a thousand other rats. The green rat ran into a nearby tenement building and reappeared, being chased by even more rats. This went on and on until every rat in the Big Apple was chasing the green rat. Finally, it ran up onto the Brooklyn Bridge and jumped into the East River. All the other rats followed and drowned. Later the green rat crawled out of the water, returned to the men and climbed back into the cardboard box. "That's fantastic!" shouted the Mayor. "I'll take him. But I have a question." "What's that?" asked the man with the box. "Do you have any green Negroes?" I was down at the Greenhills carpark (Cronulla, where surfies go to root) with my girlfriend in the back of my mad Cortina, when this copper tapped on the window.... Well I sort of looked around and my girlfriend said to the pig, Get FUCKED you filthy fucking bastard! The cop was none too pleased about this and was about to reply when she continued... WELL! Go on PIG! Get out of here shitface! The cop then looked at me and said `I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you in son.' I was a little surprised and asked `What for!!!!??????' `For having an offensive person on your weapon' came the bland reply. After the micro-surgeons conference in New York, the leading surgeons were in the bar and, being drunk, they began to reminisce over their greatest feats. First the English surgeon said: "We had a chap caught in some machinery at British Leyland last month and all that was left of him was his little finger. I constructed a new hand - built that onto a new arm - engineered a new body and ultimately he was so efficient he put 5 men out of work." "That's nothing" said the American surgeon. "We had a worker trapped inside a nuclear reactor and all that was left of him was 1 hair from his head. I had to construct a new skull, a new torso and new limbs. Now, he is so efficient he has put 50 men out of work." "I can top that!" said the Australian surgeon. "I was walking down the street when I caught a fart. I wrapped an arsehole around it, built a body to match, and it turned into Paul Keating. He has put the whole bloody country out of work!". A reporter walked up to Stevie Wonder and asked him how it felt to be born blind, Stevie replied:"It could be worse, I could have been born black". Sally arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag over the bannister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care. The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good time? "Oh", sighed Sally, "I had a wonderful time!" "I guessed so", her mother remarked, "Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling!" Why isn't being a disk all it's cracked up to be? You have a head, but no brains, there is always a couple of nuts following you around all the time, your next door neighbour's an arsehole and your best friend is a cunt. Jokes for the classroom. ------------------------ Harry: I can lift an elephant with one hand. Mary: Really? Harry: Sure! Get me an elephant with one hand and I'll show you. Danny: My year of psychoanalysis was a complete failure! Sandy: Aren't you cured? Danny: That depends on what you call a cure. A year ago I was Julius Caesar, now I'm a nobody. Jess: I haven't slept for days and I'm still not tired! Wess: That's increadible! How do you do it? Jess: I sleep nights! Nan: How do you like your new studio apartment? Dan: I have no room for complaint. Nancy: May I try on that suit in the window, please? Clerk: No, ma'am. You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else. Two Irishmen on an Iceberg: Paddy: We're saved, we're saved. Murphy: How do ye know that? Paddy: Here comes the Titanic. Mick has formed a dance band and they were working their first gig at the local hall. Mick was very excited about it all and said to the trombone player, "Paddy.. go outside and listen to what it sounds like." The trombonist went out and after a while came back ecstatic. "It's great!!" he exclaimed, "you should hear it." So the whole band went ouside to listen... Judge: What is this man charged with? D.A: He is a terrible camera fiend, your honor. Judge: But it's not against the law to take picutres! D.A: He doesn't take the pictures, your honor, he takes cameras! A man went to visit a psychiatrist, and was being shown pictures of ink blots. "What does this remind you of?", said the psychiatrist, holding up the first picture. "SEX!", replied the man. "What does this remind you of?", said the psychiatrist, holding up the second picture. "SEX!", replied the man. This continued for the next dozen ink blots. "I know your problem", said the psychiatrist, "You're obsessed by sex!". "But you're the one showing me all the dirty pictures!!!" Jack: Why aren't short people as lazy as tall people? Zack: Because they are not as long in bed. Customer: I'd like a pair of stockings for my wife. Storekeeper: Sheer? Customer: No, she's at home. NOT FOUND IN THE OXFORD Octopus: An eight-sided cat. Tim: I hear you use three pairs of glasses. Tom: That's right. One for reading, one for distance, and one to look for the other two. Carol: I heard a mouse squeak. Darrly: Well, what do you want me to do? Oil it??? Diner: Are you sure this is apple pie? Waiter: What does it taste like? Diner: I don't know Waiter: Then what difference does it make? Doctor: Your cough sounds much better this morning. Patient: It ought to. I've been practicing it all night! Jan: Why are you wearing such loud socks? Dan: To keep my feet from falling asleep. Mack: My uncle plays piano by ear. Jack: That's nothing. My uncle fiddles with his whiskers! Bill: Today is my wife's birthday. Phil: What are you getting for her? Bill: Make me an offer! There's an egg and a piece of bacon in a frying pan, just frying away, when the bacon turns to the egg and says, "It's getting hot in here!!" So the egg says, "Wow, a talking piece of bacon!" Mum, How do you spell clitoris? I don't know, but ask your father, it was on the tip of his tongue last night. Kid: Mum, can budgerigars come apart in bits? Mum: No, why do you ask? Kid: Because I heard Dad say that when he goes to grandma's tomorrow, he is going to screw the arse of the bird next door. Did you hear about the Irishman that won $10,000 in the world liar championship? He met his mate down the street, and told him of his good luck. The mate reckoned he could tell a bigger lie than him, and if he could would he share the $10,000. Yes. When I was in Africa recently I swam the Niagra Falls from botton to top, beat that. I know, I saw you, said the champ. Did you hear about the guy that scored a great looking girl and took her home.. But nothing happened.. She told him that she would only go to bed with a man that had an 8 inch dick... So he threw her out... Why asked his friend.. he said I`m not cutting 3 inches off for any women Why can't gerbils drive? Hell, they can't even get out of Gere. I have it here that it takes 14,725,934 New Yahrkarz to screw in a light bulb - it's right here in the contract! Two gerbils in a pet shop are talking and one says to the other; "If Richard Gere comes in tell him you're a hamster" What would a 500 pound rat say, if it could talk? "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty........." Why does Dolly Parton have such a thin waist? Why? Because everyone knows that things can't grow in the shade. John was hit by a Volkswagon, he went to the hospital to have it removed! Meta-physics is meta-difficult. I heard you read a book...once. Did you hear Dolly Parton came in First and Third in a race? Have you seen Dolly Partons NEW Shoes? Niether has she! How can you tell which kids are hers? The ones with stretch marks on thier lips! Hear about the Flys who went mountain climbing on Dolly? They didn'tmake it! Where does a horse go when he gets sick? The horspital. Where does a duck go when he gets sick? The ductor. What does an elephant do when he stubs his toe? He calls the toe truck. What happens when ducks fly backwards? They quack up. What's grey, has four legs, and a trunk? A mouse on vacation. Q: How did Helen Keller burn her ear? A: Answering the iron. Q: How do Helen Keller's parents punish her? A: By rearranging the furniture. Q: Why does Helen Keller play the piano with only one hand? A: She uses the other to sing with. Q: Why is Helen Keller's leg yellow? A: Because her dog is blind, too! Magic Users have Crystal Balls Why don't men trust women? Would you trust someone that bled for a week and didnt die? What did spock find in the toilet? The captains log! What do you get when a dinosaur has a car accident? Tyrannosarus wrecks What did one lightbulb say to the other? I'm going out tonight What did the firefly say when he backed into the lawn-mower? De-lighted, no end! What did Miss Piggy say when she awsnered the phone? "I can't talk right now, I have a frog in my throat! Oh yeah? Have you heard about the new cereal Prostatuties? They don't snap, crackle or pop. They just sit there and bang!!! Does Quasimoto ring a bell? Whats a 6.9? a 69 interupted by a period! What's 11? 69 for worms! Help save our trees. Eat a Beaver. Why did the WASP cross the road? To get to the middle. How can you tell a male WASP is sexually excited? By the stiff upper lip. What do you get when you cross a WASP and an orangutan? I don't know... but whatever it is, it won't let you in ITS cage! Why do Polish people have such beautiful noses? They're handpicked. What's the definition of bad acne? Waking up in the park with a blind man reading your face. Do you know how to tell which is the rich Polack in an all polack neighborhood? His is the house with the diving board on the septic tank. I NEVER make misteaks "The Prime Minister's devious hand is afoot." What's the last thing that enters a fly's mind when he's hit by a truck? His AssHole! How many Californians does it take to screw a litebulb? None, they screw on beaches. --HAVE YOU DRIVEN OVER A FORD LATELY?-- --YAMAHA's THE BEST - F*CK THE REST!-- Why was 6 afraid of 7? -Cuz 7-8-9! From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159.